Sedan Sex In the City
by CatherineSVU
Summary: This is a oneshot crackfic written by Maureen and I. It revolves around Elliot and Olivia and one blowup in particular. -THIS STORY IS RATED M FOR LANGUAGE AND SUBJECT MATTER-


YOU ARE WEAK AND PATHETIC.

BUT WHAT IF YOU ARE PATHETIC AND WEAK?

I AM OLIVIA BENSON. I'M A STRONG BITCH, AND A PRODUCT OF RAPE. I MAY BE ALONE AND MISERABLE BECAUSE MY SEX POT OF A PARTNER IS TOO LAME TO LEAVE HIS WIFE, BUT I AM STILL A STRONG BITCH WHO YOU CANNOT FUCK WITH.

I AM ELLIOT STABLER. I HAVE A THING FOR BLONDE WOMEN. I HAVE EYE SEX WITH MY PARTNER EVERY DAY BUT I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER BECAUSE I AM CATHOLIC. I HAVEN'T DONE CONFESSIONS SINCE SEASON 7. I FATHER 4 OUT OF 5 CHILDREN THAT KATHY IS THE MOTHER OF. I CANNOT HANDLE KEEPING MY PENIS IN MY PANTS. WOMEN ARE DELICIOUS BUT I SECRETLY LOVE GEORGE HUANG.

ELLIOT STABLER, YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR PENIS IN YOUR PANTS UNLESS YOU ARE HAVING TEH HOT LOCKERROOM SEX WITH OLIVIA.

OLIVIA BENSON, YOU NEED TO STOP BEING MARRIED TO THE JOB AND FUCKS ME.

ELLIOT STABLER, YOU NEED TO STOP BEING MARRIED TO KATHY AND FUCKS ME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

BUT OLIVIA BENSON, STOP LEAVING TO OREGON AND COMPUTER CRIMES. YOU JUST LEAVE OUT OF NO WHERE. FUCK.

ELLIOT STABLER, PLEASE STOP MAKING EXCUSES. YOU ARE A COP, YOU KNOW HOW TO FIND PEOPLE. I LEFT FOR OREGON 4 YEARS AGO. YOU COULD'VE TAKEN THE GOD-DAMN SEDAN AND DRIVEN TO COMPUTER CRIMES. YOU'VE BEEN A COP LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW WHERE SHIT IS. YOUR SECOND MAN-BRAIN IS NOT IN YOUR PENIS, IT'S IN YOUR FABULOUS ASS.  
>ALSO, IT'S NOT "OUT OF NO WHERE". IF YOU WOULD GET YOUR MIND OFF OF ELI (WHO, BY THE WAY IS NOT YOURS) YOU WOULD KNOW HOW MISERABLE I AM, AND WOULD REALIZE HOW ENDLESSLY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOUR FOREARMS I AM.<p>

OLIVIA BENSON, REMEMBER, I AM A SEX ADDICT. CAN WE STOP PLAYING GAMES AND JUST FUCKKKKKKK ? DAMN. WELL IF YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT, I WOULDN'T HAVE MET DANI. SO IT'S YOUR FAULT.

ELLIOT STABLER, YOU DID NOT JUST BRING THAT SKINNY BITCH INTO THIS.. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND I WANT TO KILL YOU - RIGHT AFTER DIRTY SEDAN SEX.

OLIVIA BENSON, I THINK I JUST DID. U MAD ? BE MAD, I KISSED A MAN BECAUSE I NEEDED YOU. REMEMBER DEAN ? I BET YOU HAD DIRTY OREGON SEX WITH HIM. FUCK YOU. LITERALLY, IN THE SEDAN IN 15 MINUTES.

ELLIOT STABLER, YOU CAN NOT BRING HIM INTO THIS. YOU'RE A PRICK, YOU KNOW THAT? I WAS TOO BUSY GETTING ALMOST BLOWN UP AND HIT IN THE HEAD BY COPS WITH BATONS TO EVEN THINK ABOUT HAVING DIRTY OREGON SEX WITH THAT. AND YES, I AM REFERRING TO HIM AS A TROLL. HE MADE ONE TOO MANY PASSES AT ME, AND ELLIOT STABLER- I'M NOT WAITING 15 MINUTES, I'VE WAITED 13 YEARS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OLIVIA BENSON, WE COULD'VE FUCKING HAD SEX IN WILDLIFE BUT YOU HAD TO GO CONVINCE KATHY NOT TO LEAVE ME. BITCH. DAMNNNNNN. THEN IN PATERNITY, YOU SAVED HER. GO BACK AND HAVE YOUR LOVE CHILD WITH MUNCH AND WE'LL FUCK IN 16 MINUTES SINCE YOU WANT TO BE AN INPATIENT BITCH LIKE ALWAYS.

ELLIOT STABLER, I SAVED YOUR ASS IN WILDLIFE AND WE KILLED STUCKEY. I DID THAT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID ASS AND ELI. I WANTED TO SAVE HER BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT AND YOU LOVE HER - OR DO YOU? EITHER WAY, YOU'RE AN ASS. I WANT A BABY OF MY OWN AND YOU KNOW THAT, WHICH IS WHY I OBSESS OVER ELI AND THE REST OF YOUR UNGRATEFUL CHILDREN.  
>OH, AND ELLIOT STABLER, THAT'S JUST IN THE CONSPIRACY MILL. THAT LOVECHILD WAS BACK FROM SEASON 1. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, WHY DON'T YOU?<p>

OLIVIA BENSON GO SHOVE A TAMPON UP YOUR VAGINA AND MOAN MY NAME. BITCH, WERE YOU THERE IN BURNED? I PAYED FOR THE MEAL AND WHEN I TRIED TO GO FOR THE KILL, YOU PUSHED ME AWAY. I AM A MAN. A MAN HAS NEEDS. A VAGINA IS ONE OF MY NEEDS. YOUR VAGINA IS FUCKING LOCKED I DON'T KNOW THE PASSOWRD. UNLIKE KATHY, WHOSE VAGINA HAS NO CODE AND HAS BEEN USED BY MANY MEN THIS IS PROBABLY WHY I MAY HAVE THE CLAP.

ELLIOT STABLER STOP BEING A FUCKING MORON. I'M SCARED, AND I WAS PRETTY DAMN SURE YOU'D END UP GOING BACK TO KATHY DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU WERE A FUCKING CUTE CARROT. DON'T START TALKING ABOUT MY VAGINA, IT HAS MORE NEEDS THAN YOUR PENIS. YOUR PENIS IS USED TOO MUCH. MY VAGINA? NOT SO MUCH. YOUR PENIS HAS A PASSWORD ON IT TOO. IT'S NAME IS KATHY. JESUS FUCK ELLIOT STABLER.

O-LIVIABENSON YOUR VAGINA DOES HAVE NEEDS BUT YOU LIKE TO SIT ON YOUR COUCH ALL DAY READING COSMO. IF YOU'D LET ME SATISFY THAT THANG, MAYBE YOU'D BE A LITTLE HAPPIER. JUST A HINT.

E-LLIOTSTABLER WHEN DOES MY VAGINA HAVE TIME TO SIT ON MY COUCH READING COSMO? LIKE YOU SAID, I'M MARRIED TO THE JOB. YOU'RE MARRIED IN THE LEGAL FUCKING SENSE, TO A WOMAN. HAVE YOU BEEN DIVORCED FOR 2 YEARS, AND DIDN'T TELL ME. ALSO, ELLIOT STABLER, YOU TREAT MY VAGINA LIKE IT HAS CLAWS AND TEETH- LIKE IT WOULD DO DAMAGE TO YOUR PENIS.

OLIVIA BENSON. OLIVIA BENSON. IT'S BEEN 15 MINUTES. WINK WINK.

ELLIOT STABLER. ELLIOT STABLER. I'VE BEEN IN THE SEDAN FOR 10 MINUTES ALREADY, AND CRAGEN IS STARTING TO LOOK AT ME FUNNY. HE KEEPS WALKING BY AND GLARING. OH GOD. NOW JOHN IS TOO. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?

I'M UH, UH, GETTING SOME MILK. YEAH

ELLIOT STABLER, I'M GOING TO CASTRATE YOU WITH A RUSTY STEAK KNIFE AND PUT YOUR BALLS IN A BLENDER. AIN'T LIFE A BITCH?


End file.
